If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
