pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
