I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
