Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
