You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
