also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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