My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
