he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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