This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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