they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
