I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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