I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
