Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
