I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
