I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
