1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
