My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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