I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
