dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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