I wish my penis had an off switch
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
