She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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