If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
