i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I can't put those talents on a resume
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
