What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
