if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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