and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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