Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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