Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
