glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
