I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
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