I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
