the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
