shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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