Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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