he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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