How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
