Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
