Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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