ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
