my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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