My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
please come you make the beer taste better
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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