I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
