Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
