you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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