apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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