Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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