I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
