Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
