just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
