U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
